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I admit that I have a low regard for myself, do not value myself and do not think I have much to offer others.

The first step toward developing a healthy self esteem is to be brutally honest and open with yourself and to acknowledge that you feel pretty miserable about yourself. While others have good jobs, good relationships and have "so much going for them" you feel that life has dealt you a tough hand and it's simply "not fair". You feel sad more often than you feel happy, and you allow external events to dictate your mood. You feel like you're on a emotional roller coaster; on any given day you may be up and down ten times.

The first step in the 12 step process is to begin keeping a personal journal. Do I have to? I thought that the 12 steps will just tell me some magic mantras and build me up in one session. It will help you, but it is a partnership. The 12 steps together with some intensive work on your part, will help reshape the way you feel about yourself. But it will take work. After all it took you many years to develop a perception of your self as inadequate and lacking in self confidence...so it will take a process to undo those unwarranted perceptions. Think of it as a sweet journey toward self discovery.

Exercise: In your journal please write down what you think are the factors, events or life situations which have shaped your negative self perception. Which relationships or life scenarios have conspired to put you down and to shake and break your self confidence? Was it disciplinarian parents or teachers? A traumatic experience? The divorce of your parents or the death of someone who really loved you. You know, yes you do, deep down, the major stressors which happened so long ago-but are still with you, weighing heavily on your heart. They give you an actual physical feeling of pain and sadness. You can actually feel the emotional pain in physical terms.

No. Its not enough to merely think about these factors and causes. You must get them out of your mind and heart and onto paper where we can analyze and deal with them openly. Good. Now we're talking.

Now, in your journal, write down the feelings you felt then and still feel because of these stressors. A sense of rejection, abandonment, fear....

These feelings are not in your mind. They are real. They are understandably very painful. You would rather forget about them....but it is not healthy to do so. Your relationships during childhood, especially the relationship with your parents, have basically shaped your identity and self concept. As an infant, your identity is molded by feedback from parents. When your parents said that "you are cute, loveable, adorable, funny, caring, sweet"....that was your only feedback as to who and what you were. So you bought it. That's how you began to see yourself. However some of our parents missed Parenting 101 and said things like you are "selfish, lazy, obnoxious, aggressive, disobedient..." and you bought that view of yourself. That's how you began to shape a self perception. If it was a negative self perception then chances are, you still have a negative view of yourself. It is this negative self image that you have to admit, acknowledge and make friends with in order for us to move on.

Before you go blaming your parents for your low self esteem you have to admit that while your parents may have contributed to the shaping of your low self perception, you bought it and took it on as your own. This means that you have acquiesced in your self perception and you are the one who is ultimately responsible for your own self-image.

So you must acknowledge your anger against your parents, but you must move on. You can carry on a caring, loving and open relationship with your parents despite your frustration and anger . There is nothing you can do to change the way you were treated in your childhood...but you can change the way you think and feel in the present.

Let go of the anger..yes...let go ....visualize the anger, tension and frustration leaving you....so that you can use some of that emotional energy constructively and start taking responsibility for your own self esteem in the here and now.

Before we blame our parents for our negative self esteem let us remember that there are other possible origins of low self esteem including poverty, abuse and emotional deprivation. The fact that we have all become social insurance numbers rather than "individuals with names" could affect our self concept. The information explosion may make many of us feel inadequate if we are unable to keep up with the advances of the information super highway.The fact that schools often reward the scholastically gifted may affect the self image of those children who are not academically adept.

Exercise

It is important to begin taking a personal inventory of your attitude toward yourself. Use this exercise and write in your notebook or journal the answers to these questions.

I like myself best when:

Example: I am considerate and show compassion.

I like myself least when:

Example: When I lose my temper.

(Based on Angels Don't Leave Footprints, by Dr. Abraham Twerski, Shaar Press, Page 219-220)

Deep down, no matter how you feel about yourself, you really, yes really, want to like yourself. By writing these down, you will reinforce the things you like about yourself and you will be able to focus on correcting those things you don't. Write these answers in your journal and read them the next time you open your journal. Enjoy the pleasure of reading the things you like about yourself. Write down a strategy of what you will do to correct the thing you like least about yourself.