Step 1

Step 1-Negative Self Talk: When a child speaks negatively about himself and puts himself down it is because he is feeling incompetent, unimportant or unloved. My goal is to stop the child from speaking that way as it is “unacceptable to talk about yourself that way” and to take steps to build up the child’s perception that he is competent, valuable and loved.

Negative self talk is a script that the child has learned. It may be as a result of a difficult childhood i.e. a child will often unconsciously blame herself for her parent’s divorce and create an inner script that says: “If I was a better person or more loveable they wouldn’t have divorced. It’s my fault”. Another script may be written if the child is below average academically or has a learning disability and the child may have an “inner voice” which says: “You’re just no good. You’re dumb.” The goal here is to put the issue on the table so that the parent and child can discuss the script and challenge it. Hidden or unconscious scripts can’t be unlearned or corrected.

The key is to separate, in the child’s mind, the problem from the child herself. You have a problem-but you yourself- are not the problem. When we discipline our children we may tend to say: “Bad boy, Naughty girl”. In fact it may become a mantra of child rearing: “Stop that, put that down, don’t be clumsy, you’re a mess, don’t be a slob, stop whining….that the child may come to integrate that negative name calling and labeling as a personal negative script. It becomes the way the child perceives or thinks about herself. We must intervene here and change the child’s negative or black script. The script must be unlearned. For example:

1. You are not clumsy-you are very capable but that time you were not careful”;
2. You are not stupid. You are capable and intelligent. This test was hard and you made a few mistakes. Let’s review the test together and see what we can learn for the future;
3. You are not to blame for your parents’ divorce. Just like you were not responsible for their getting married…you are not responsible for their divorce. They have their own issues and they made their own decisions. Those decisions do affect you, but you did not cause the decision. (This issue is very delicate and intricate and may require a skilled mental health professional).

On the other end of the spectrum a child may have been told that he or she is exceptional by well meaning and proud parents-however, the child may have created an inner script for herself which says: “In order to maintain my parents’ or teachers’ approval I must excel, be exceptional and be outstanding”. This child will have an inner voice which says: “Unless you are amazing-you are nothing. Unless you stand out–you are not deserving of approval or respect.” The parenting environment coupled with the child’s temperament may have created a child who has extremely high self expectations and is likely to eventually disappoint himself in failing to maintain his own high standards. This child needs parental approval because he came to believe that his personal value and self esteem are contingent on his high level of performance both academically and interpersonally. The goal is to have the child unlearn the script by challenging the child’s perception that he must be amazing to attract or “deserve” attention and praise.

Let us look at prevention and then at rectifying this distortion. To prevent a child from developing super human expectations of himself his parents need to emphasize love for the child “as he is”. Love and approval for the child cannot be made contingent on performance. If a child received a low grade on a test or finished last in a race the parents should not say: “You could do better”. You know the famous joke of the parent who says: “You got a 98 on your exam! So why did you lose 2 marks?” This is not a joke to a child. Even if this is said in jest, on some level the child is saying to herself: “Hello. Remember me? I am a person. Do you not see what I DID accomplish? Am I only a REAL person if I GET 100%?” Rather, when a child does not do well on an exam the parent could say: “You tried hard on the test. It must have really hard. You know what I admire about you? Even though it was hard-you didn’t give up”. In other words, parents should try to recognize and acknowledge what the child did do and achieve and recognize the effort expended.

When a child does get into a pattern of negative self talk, professional counseling may be necessary. However, parents can require the child to “stop talking that way about yourself. It is not an acceptable way of talking. You can’t talk that way about others –or about yourself”. The child can be reassured that she is a person of value just by being and not only by doing or accomplishing. (See Step 7 of the 12 Steps to Self Esteem for Adults). She is a unique and valuable person whose presence is important to God, parents, siblings, teachers and friends. “You have a place in the world and in our lives”. This will help rebuild the child’s esteem-or self value.

There is a second level in the process of repairing the child’s self esteem and that is challenging the child’s thought process that she is not accomplished. Look for some talent, ability or value that the child is good at and shows the child with facts on the ground that their low self evaluation is a misperception and is unwarranted. A practical way of doing this is for the child to create a scrapbook or a success box in which she places her “success stories” including test papers, photographs, drawings that attest to the child’s successes. Then we can start replacing the negative self talk with positive self talk and have the child recognize and allow himself-grant himself permission- to feel good about his successes as you monitor the growth of his success scrapbook. One should allow the child to discuss in detail the story behind the item in the scrapbook or success box. Sometimes the child will feel that the success was insignificant but the parent/teacher should not allow him to get away with it. This is success in anyone’s eyes-and if someone else did it you would praise them, so you are allowed to praise yourself.

Summary: Negative self talk can be prevented by recognizing the effort that a child has put into a project rather than the results. Repairing negative self talk is a process that helps the child appreciate her own value and her accomplishments.